Combo

I had my Double Freedom in two days!

First is the liberation from exams.

Second is freedom from METALS!

Yes metals aka braces! I just took off my braces yesterday after 2 years of wearing it! :D Feeling so good right now. It is like acquiring a new set of teeth. Hehe.

So now, i guess it's time for more smiling!!

Okay...maybe not. 

An imprint..

I really felt like a birthday girl yesterday! Because STPM is finally over! :D

Now, i have a stretch of free time to tread. Suddenly feel pretty weird to be so free from any school-related thing. I feel like a nomad now. I guess this is the season for discipline? I mean with all of those free time, i can simply fall into a state of extreme laziness and grow stupid, slower and fat. And yeah, i'm greatly vulnerable to those. So, i'm here reminding myself to discipline and execute all those plans in this almost one year holiday! Ahh..one year holiday..sounds nice! :D

When i came back yesterday, grinning from ear to ear, i was greeted by another thing that made me grin more than ever. The arrival of a sweet card from my little sister in India!

 

She planted a tree a few weeks back and named it my name! Though it was a green project organized by the helpers in World Vision but still it's so sweet! Here is an imprint of a leaf of my tree in India.

:D

So, wanna be a joy to somebody else and receive much greater joy in return? Adopt a child! :D

first pouring

tingling.think.                                    letter.confusion.

regret.past.good.bad.night.              dreams.crease.holding.crying.

sharing.yearning.learning.boldness.heart.unknown.growing.passion.love.

promises.understanding.nothingness.selfish.pain.incomplete.faith.life.

loneliness.hope.sins.pride.closeness.companion.friends.mistakes.

peace.light.remember.memories.failings.forgiveness.mercy.

care.missing.tears.fool.laughter.time.judgement.pure.

wisdom.dear.shy.courage.trust.guidance.

hand.smile.wondering.first.guard.

gift.worry.appreciate.forget.

hug.comfort.words.

destiny.family.

God.

Grieving

Freaaaaaaaaaaaking sad :(

Says my FB status too.

Maths paper 1 had just passed. It was supposed to be really easy! This is, i think, the easiest Maths paper 1 i'd ever seen in form 6 exams. Even compared to the previous stpm papers. Yet, how can i forget how to solve them?! Ugh! I'd seen almost all of the type of questions in the paper but i couldn't recall the workings during the exam. I needed more time to think but time was up so fast! :'( Would have gotten 20 more marks if only i can recall. Now, i've to depend on paper 2 more than ever, which is much much harder than paper 1. It's so impossible to get higher marks than paper 1. So so impossible. But i have to, in order to pass this exam. Siiiiggghhh... i'm just so sad. :'(

..Me: (off to mourn maths paper 1)..
.
 ..
 ...
 ..
..Me: (looks around) but.. but... where's the grave?..
..
..Random 1: you'll see it in march..
..Random 2: for now, i guess, you can just mourn in your heart..
..
..Me: oh..oh.......OOHHHHHHHH *faints*

Dreams..

..aspirations..ambitions..desires..wishes..

Everyone has them. And i'm one of them. Recently, i made a list of things i want to do in my life in a website. Well, some are short term and some are long term. Some are of higher importance and the rest lesser. Altogether until now, i have about 50 things in the list. It's not that many compared to the others in the website who have at least 200 dreams (the most i saw is 3000!).

Seeing that it's the end of the year and also more importantly, closing to the end of my schooling life, i am quite anxious of what's next. What's next after this? Till now i have a vague idea of what i am to do. Still, on the other hand, i don't know whether it is what i really am meant to be doing. What i know is that in the future, i will be traveling around, by God's grace. But, what's in between? Now, my intention is to be a teacher, an English teacher to be precise. Frankly, i don't know whether i'm up to that as i've always wanted to teach Maths when i was young. Till last year, English caught my eye (its getting more interesting!) besides Maths being a disappointment. I was thinking if i am to study English, i can use that as a tool to travel around. But, still the same questions, am i good in teaching that subject? Is this really what God wants with me? Or am i the one assuming that i am to be that? I think that i've not done well in my exams this year. I am just hoping that i am above the required pointer to enter a uni. I'm not really having much hope that they'll offer me the course i want even if i get to enter, in that case, i'll choose to go to a private uni for TESL. Ah..a long crooked way and full of uncertainties!

I think i'm already in a holiday mood though i have one more week to go. 3 more papers - 2 Maths papers and Chemistry paper 1. So near yet so far! I hope next week will come very soon. I'm already thinking of how little days of next year i get to be at home relaxing if i am off to study in July. I need more!

Justin prays

I am not a Justin Bieber's fan but this song caught my attention when one of my friends posted this in Facebook. I thought it is a meaningful song and i didn't once think that he would sing this type of song. I'd always thought that he will be those kind of young teenager, who only care about money, fame and himself because he became so popular in such a young age. So, there is pretty a high chance that all these might get into his head and make him an arrogant person. But, i guess i am wrong here. 

Well, i quote my friend's words, "If this is where he's headed, I could really respect this guy." Couldn't agree more. :)

Hope that he will continue to head to the right direction.

p/s: I'm done halfway with STPM. Four more papers to go!

To those discouraged..

As much as you feel like it, don't give up!

To those who are in the midst of taking exams:

Try your best to study, though you may feel like it won't make any difference, it actually will.

Maybe what you read may be coming out in exam, who knows!

If nothing of what you read came out, then heads up!

At least you know that you tried.
I was fighting with this too and thank God, He brought people to wake me up to my senses.
I do still have my down moments, but this time, i know there is another choice other than just lying flat on the ground, doing nothing.
You can stand up instead.

So, don't fear disappointment, and let it to deter you from doing what you should.

Regret over what you've not done is even worse.

Don't give up! :)

To those who are thinking that life is meaningless:

Don't be depressed!

There are indeed more to life.

It may seem that the situation you are in right now is too overwhelming,

and that you are just too tired to carry on in this life,

just don't give up!

Even in psalms, King David went through pretty a lot of hard surfaces.

But he chose to cry out to God and praise His Name every time he was at wits end.

So, look to Him when everything fails for He will never fail you.

He never fails.

He will carry you through.

Just cry out to Him, even if you don't really know Him, He knows you.

God knows you and, i'm not saying this as a cliche, 

He really does love you.

To those who are thinking to give up on God because they are too screwed up:

Read this story first.

            There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

             Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

             When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father.

             But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

             The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

             But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

[Luke 15:11-24]

Everyone fails before.

It's just the matter of whether he or she chooses to return home or to run even further.

Don't give up on God,

because He never give up on you!

Never let guilt to hide your face from Him.

Indeed, that's what Satan wants you to do.

But God never wants you to do that.

Come near to Him when you feel like you can never face Him again.

Return to Him, prodigal sons and daughters.

Ask for His forgiveness and 

return to His embrace.

He is waiting.

Sing, sing, sing!

I was studying halfway and suddenly i just wanted to sing and watch movie and play piano and sing and read storybook and sing and sing, mostly i felt like singing so much. I don't know, its just an outburst of emotion in my heart, yearning to express. At last, i'm here, blogging because i don't know when i'll stop if i start anything related to singing and loose my mood to study all the way.

It's been some time since i'm being productive. I'm glad i am today. At last! I hope it'll last. After planning my studying timetable again, i thought, i'm not too late after all. *maybe my optimism 'mechanism' strikes again, for good this time* I've been listening to this song in my blog over and over again for the whole two days. It helps me to study. In a weird way, actually. Through that song, I've been thinking of how brilliant Michael Scofield (that guy in Prison Break) is and it kinda motivates me to study. Haha. Well, this song is kind of a laid-back song too and so it does create that mood to study. Yeah, i guess i need the feel to study. Need to learn not to rely on it so much because it's pretty unstable. Oh well, i guess it will do for now.

Browsed the internet for pictures of worms and sea creatures to help me remember. There was one that caught my attention. Phylum Nematoda. Class Ascaris. Its a roundworm and man, it is so disgusting! Probably the most huge endoparasitic worm there is. I think many of us had been infected by it before. But those who are affected more seriously especially those in poor sanitation areas actually vomit worms and pass out worms in stool! I got all chill when i saw the picture of it. Imagine it being in our stomach. *shivers down the spine*

Inhuman Act!

I just saw a very horrible video today.

Mum heard about the news and told me in the car. I was shocked. It was a video where a young lady about the age of 21 tortured a rabbit until it died. She used a very cruel way to kill it. First, she posed with that little white rabbit with black spots in front of the camera. Very normal indeed. Then, she put it in the bag and paraded around the room with it, acting cute, in front of her friends. After that, came the horrible parts.

She placed the rabbit on a table, and, sat on it. Just like that. She actually bounced around with her butt when she sat on it so that more pressure could be placed on the rabbit. She did that for about 10 seconds? Then, she stood up, and viewed the rabbit, while singing with her high pitch voice. That rabbit wasn't able to move much even though i saw it was trying to escape. I suspect that it's bones were fractured a little due to that evil "stunt". Well, the girl did not take pity on the rabbit. She just smiled and giggled with her friends, about 3 girl friends around her age too (2 sitting down watching the act and one holding the camera!). They looked like they were enjoying it. Smiling all the way while watching the rabbit suffer. After that, came an even horrible act. I couldn't bear to watch the whole thing. I just took some sneak peaks. She took a flat surface of a glass about 40x40 cm and placed it on top of that rabbit. And then, she sat on the glass with that rabbit below and bounced on it to squash it more.

.
.
.
By that time, i was positively screaming and shouting and screaming! How can a person do that!? Such an inhuman act! All of the people in the video looked pretty decent. Long hairs, wearing knee length skirt, and a white collar shirt. And they didn't even show any remorse or anything else other than giggling all the way! I suspect they did this a lot of times as the girl knew what to do in order to kill the rabbit in less than 4 minutes without any hitch! I saw when she removed that rabbit after the glass act, it was totally flat and blood came out of its mouth. Well, i haven't finished yet, she then turned the rabbit so that it laid on another side and sat on it with the glass AGAIN! Like, what the heck!

I've nothing more to say.

Seatbelt ready?

Yes! STPM starts tomorrow! I can't believe it! Its tomorrow! Bring it on, whatever it is, whatever i am in!

Suddenly it just feels like our(all upper 6) turn to sit the roller coaster has reached at last! We're just right at the end of the line! Now is the time to sit the roller coaster!

Well, for the bio classes, our true hurdle will be next week though. I'll just have a PA paper 2 this week and then, next week, all those harder papers will start coming in. Four more weeks to go until freedom!

FREEDOM!! Can you smell it already? :D i guess its too early to smell it yet. Maybe i will after the papers next week! But i hope i don't! I'll get all excited and i'll lose my head which i can't because i need it. My brain has been trying to "prison break". Securityyy!! I need more mood to study, seriously!

The land with weeds

I feel like a coward. And i'm ashamed of that. I'm my own nomad, in my brain, shifting from one place to another when the ground is no longer good. When weeds are growing and creeping all around, staring at it is what i always do. Maybe a little of hacking them off, but when they cut and blood pours down a little from my tiny fingers, i close my eyes thinking the weeds can be handled at another time. I hyperventilate and wish that they will go away. I think about many possibilities. Many ways to escape from what is in front. To create another route other than what i'm seeing now. To think maybe if i am to shift, i would not have to face those weeds. To think ain't it the same if i just acquire another land. The weeds will be gone and i do not have to tackle them. Maybe i'll face the weeds problem next time but i'll acquire a land where the weeds problem are not that rampant. I'll also buy a land with the most beautiful scenery so if the weeds are there i'll spend the time clearing them off while enjoying the process because the place is beautiful. But, i need to be responsible. For only this land i have, the land with weeds. And so, even if i am to sell it out, it is my job to clear them before the viewing. So, now, i'll go back to hacking those weeds again. And i hope i won't withdraw very soon. And if i do, i hope i'll find the strength again to pick up any gardening tools, to continue the work again. Till the Sun parts with me.

I think i'm right in the center.

Personal DNA

I saw this in a friend's blog and felt it would be cool to try.
In the end, this is what i got!



Why am i a leader?
1. Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.

2. You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.

3. Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture.

4. You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.

5. Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.

6. Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.

7. The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.

8. Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.

9. You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.

10. You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.


Why am i animated?
 1. You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.

2. Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.

3. Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.

4. You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.

5. You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.

6. You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.  

7. Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!

8. In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.  


My comment:
Hahahahaahaa..animated..hahhahaha!

the last day of school

Yes, it is my last day of school today. And that also means the last day of my schooling life after 13 years. That is a very long journey. Its more than half of my life on Earth! Well, the feeling of leaving KHS is not exactly the same as leaving Convent. I only spent one and a half year in KHS, and so, i think it will not really affect me. That's what i think. I don't know what i will feel when the real separation comes after STPM. I felt a bit down after graduation, but for now, i just can't wait to get out of school.

Anyway, it's great to be able to know some friends there. I don't know whether i've been a blessing to them, i really hope i do at least in a very small way. I just know that they do to me, and for that i'm grateful. If any of you from KHS who knows me are reading this, i wanna say thank you for being a part in my life and also sorry if i've been in any way rude or ill-mannered or irritating or really irritating. Forgive me yea! =D

Regardless of anything im not fond of in school, like the rules, getting up early, those non-beneficial researches i've to stay back for till 3.30pm (and afternoon is HOT!), reports i've to type after taking up two secretary posts (i'm not gonna do that anymore!) and sucky canteen food, i must say that in the end, i did learn a lot. Maybe not really academically, but spiritually. Especially through all those process in getting Christian Fellowship started in school and also during all those days leading it.

It had been tough, to be truthful. When all those discouragements came because of the less commitment, having to prepare every Friday praying that it all would not be in vain, besides, struggling with myself as i really dislike to be labeled as 'that always God God person'. But, indeed, i felt most at home in school when i was in CF. And even more satisfaction and joy when God works among our midst! Indescribable! He had been helping me through it when at times i really felt like 'why am i doing this?' and when i felt too lonely in this. He gave me the grace to continue on and even providing when things were getting tough. It is not by my strength and willpower but by His Holy Spirit, encouraging me and putting in me love when i feel that i couldn't love. Of course without my comrades and teachers in CF God had put in after a while and also my ex-CF people, i'll be so discouraged without them spurring on. They had been a blessing to me. I pray that the rest of them will continue on in CF next year no matter what happens and be strong in the Lord.

So, with all said and done, i'm almost done with high school education! and really will be done after STPM!
That would be about 4 more weeks!

battling with movies

I love to watch movies. Well, i don't know anyone who doesn't. I'd been watching even more after i knew how to download them through torrent since exam is stressing me up more than ever. For about 3 weeks, i would watch about one movie in one or two days, which was pretty bad.

Until last week, i felt this movie-watching was going to get me or was already getting me addicted. I knew i had to stop immediately and fast from them before it gets even more out of control. Honestly, i didn't know whether i'll be able to but i told God to help me in this no matter what happen, to fast from it until after my exam or until next year. Thank God, i made it without touching any until last night.

To my dismay, I let my guard down yesterday. After my family steamboat, usually my family's activity is to watch movie together. I was kinda tired after a whole day outside and i knew that i wouldn't be able to study. I should have retreated back to spend more time with Him. However, i initiated for everyone to watch movie as it was like a 'tradition'. My excuse for God was, 'Ah, just one time. A little won't hurt right? Since i'm this tired dy and it'd been one week..'. I was actually kinda in between or battling between two decisions before the movie.

But, I watched when it was played. Though my eyes were beginning to droop, the movie slowly captivated me. It was eleven. Then all of a sudden, after 10 minutes, there were no electricity.

I blinked, and was stunned. I blinked again in the darkness, hardly able to believe it. My first thought was, 'Wow God, You are amazing!' Then, i remembered this verse 'No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.' from 1 Cor 10:13. :D

It had been many many months, maybe a year ago or so, since the last electricity break down and it was seldom in my neighbourhood. But, it happened on the night i began to watch movie when i shouldn't. I don't know whether this is a coincidence, but i felt that He is indeed helping me!

I was really happy with having no electricity, surprisingly. I laid down on my bed, with the windows open, battling not to sweat. And i smiled, and smiled, hoping that the electricity will not come back. I felt so free, like having all those distractions from all sorts of electrical stuffs such as computer, tv, radio, phone, wiped away from my way. Indeed, I wanted to stay in a village where there is no electricity! I know, that's a crazy thought. =P I thank God that at last, i didn't get to watch even a quarter of the movie.

So yeah. Another one month of fasting! =))